the Admiral has spoken

Probably not helping my creeper status

nobody@vox.com(the Admiral) — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 12:52:34 -0400

The way he talks
The way his fingers are too short for his hand
The way he eats slower than anyone I’ve ever met
The way he can be in a room full of people and still seem like he's by himself
The way he can practice for hours and hours and never lose focus
The way he never laughs at any of my lame jokes
The way he bounces around like a Muppet when he finds something really funny
The way he looks mischievous when he's being flirty
The way he can be so casual about walking around in nothing but tiny, tiny briefs
The way his chest looks hairless except when he's wearing a shirt
The way he talks about Music that makes it seem like it should be spelled with a capital M
The way he's constantly suffering from allergies and you can hear him breathing from across the room
The way he calls my name

Even the slightest touch makes my heart beat more quickly, causes my face to flush brightest red, and makes my mind race. I'm afraid of being too forward and scaring him away, so I've backed off; I'm afraid that if I back off too much, he'll think I've pulled away entirely, and I'll lose him. I'm going crazy. This, surely, is torture.

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At least tomorrow I'll be able to afford a tank of gas.

nobody@vox.com(the Admiral) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 17:46:28 -0400

1) I have done nothing today but lie in bed and read Erin's archives, which is something I do about once a year. She's just as funny every time I go through them, so if you have some spare time (ha) or no responsibilities (HA), give her a whirl. Or don't. Whatever.

2) I'm seriously torn up about this whole in-love-with-my-roommate thing. It occupies about 85% of my thoughts at the moment. It wouldn't be so bad, except that this was the first time that I decided that I would actually do something about a crippling, makes-me-awkward crush and make a move, except that it didn't really work out, and now neither of us is talking about it. Oh, and we have pretty much the same schedule, so we're still around each other all the time. We went from two guys living together for a summer to buddies to really close buddies to sleeping in the same bed to me being a creeper to not talking for three days to awkward buddies, all in the span of about six weeks. There are four weeks to go, and I don't know how to deal. I've given thought to moving to Greensboro -- since there's really nothing tying me down in Richmond, really -- but I can't see how that would help the whole creeper status thing. So that's a big fat no.

3) That other 15% of my thoughts are devoted to not dealing with the electricity and gas accounts I still have to close on the apartment I moved out of in June. Also to NOT SAVING ANY MONEY EVER, which is awesome.

4) I'm trying to find a place in Richmond for the next year, and I put an ad up on Craigslist in the "housing wanted" section. Within four hours I had like six responses, one of which was from a really very insistent "35yo gay male home body" who lives near the race track who wanted me to call him like, immediately. Yeah, no thanks. I've set up two appointments to see some places that actually might work out, but each of them has this element of strangeness. Like, I called the one lady, and after talking to her I got the impression that she was a really laid back, put together kind of person, except that she just called me like ten minutes ago to tell me that she's left me a key under the doormat and I should just let myself in. To her house. Where all her stuff is. YEAH. And the other guy is a little too Eagle Scout, I think. When I asked for pictures of the place -- which is VERY nice and ideally located to everything I would want to do -- he included a picture of himself. I'll take it as a good sign that it wasn't an up-close-and-personal of his asshole. I mean this place is N I C E.

5) I just finished college and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I have really good spells where I play trumpet really well, but then something happens and my lips turn into rubber bricks and pain and I can barely get through a week of shows, which is my JOB right now. I have a minor in Computer Science that basically counts for nothing. If I spend 85% of my time thinking about roommate love quandary and 15% of my time thinkign about avoiding any semblance of grown-up responsibility, then I spend a further 300% of my time not thinkign about how terrifying life as a grown-up is going to be for me real soon. Why couldn't I have been born an heir to some grand fortune? Why did I have to insist on getting a BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN MUSIC PERFORMANCE? I seriously think I'm just going to dick around for a year and then go back to school to get a bachelors in Computer Science. I honestly don't think I will ever be able to make a living as a trumpet player, and if that's not a soul-crushing revelation, then I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY.

6) I got a letter from my dad -- not an e-mail, like an honest-to-God handwritten letter -- wherein he related the following:

a) My baby sister disappeared to the other side of Virginia to visit her boyfriend, and was tracked down by our parents by her bank card and cell phone use.

b) My brother, the Army absconder, was commended for wrestling a loaded rifle out of his roommate's MOUTH on the FIRING RANGE, breaking his jaw in the process, and "saving whole sides of bacon of various paygrades and ranks from embarrassing paperwork." He was commended and recommended for some sort of medal, which he declined in exchange for not going on light duty even though his whole head hurts every time he's not asleep sitting up in his head brace, and even though, according to Dad, he could stir up a whole bunch of shit if he wanted.

c) Dad thinks I have a drinking problem.

7) I'm going back to bed.

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Omissions to the letter I just wrote my dad

nobody@vox.com(the Admiral) — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 15:54:35 -0400

I'm gay, and I'm hopelessly in love with my roommate, which is a problem because he knows it and isn't doing anything about it, and in a month he goes back to school in North Carolina and I go on to obscurity, and I'm not sure how to handle the situation because whenever I think about it I go crazy.

I made out with a man fourteen years my senior at that party last week, and I liked it.

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Can I get an extension? I promise it'll be ready in a week.

nobody@vox.com(the Admiral) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 13:14:34 -0400

How is it that I can go to the grocery store, buy seventy dollars' worth of food, and still have nothing to eat for breakfast but pickles and salsa?

In other news, my summer contract ends in about a month, and I don't have anywhere to live in Richmond yet, nor do I have a job lined up. I'm also doing a really good job of not saving any money, so even if I had found a place, I wouldn't have enough money to put a deposit on it.

On the lighter side of things, I sort of have a boyfriend, maybe! Except when he's done with his contract he goes back to school in North Carolina, and I go on to live like a slacker for a while. We're not really talking about it, which doesn't cancel out the fact that it's a major mindfuck.

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Boys boys boys

nobody@vox.com(the Admiral) — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 14:34:33 -0400

My roommate is in the shower right now, and all I can think about is how naked he is in there.

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Like some sort of Sandra Bullock movie

nobody@vox.com(the Admiral) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 17:21:59 -0400

You know, as shitty as the circumstances of my brother's leaving for the Army were, and as poorly as my parents deal with stuff like this, and as badly as my brother is coping with all this - despite all that, I think it will bring my family closer together.

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The grown-up manifesto:

nobody@vox.com(the Admiral) — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 11:43:51 -0400

I WILL develop a routine and stick to it in order take care of business, whether it be financial, academic, or musical, so that I may ultimately make progress both as a person and a musician.

I WILL NOT be deterred by fear of the future.

I WILL strive to listen to What people have to say rather than How they say it.

I WILL NOT allow my perception of what others may be thinking to prevent me from enjoying myself.

I WILL endeavor to cultivate more patience, to set and realize long-term goals instead of immediate fixes.

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At least I'll get paid extra for it soon.

nobody@vox.com(the Admiral) — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 15:43:19 -0400

Sometimes I really hate the fact that people look up to me.

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Not that I'm complaining

nobody@vox.com(the Admiral) — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 11:51:54 -0400

What is it about putting a bunch of bros together in a room that makes them want to watch 300, probably the gayest movie of the last 20 years?

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No, really

nobody@vox.com(the Admiral) — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 13:28:26 -0400

The thing I love about trashy soap opera TV is that, even if everything in the plot is perfect, and in ten seconds the show will be over, you just KNOW that in those ten seconds something is going to happen to fuck it all up.

In other news, my brother joined the Army. Tune in next week to find out how I feel about it.

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