Posts (page 2)

Things my brother does well

May 9, 2008
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Smoke pot.
Eat.
Pass out.
Steadily and systematically destroy my bicycle.
Promise to repair my bicycle.
Smoke pot.
Consistently not repair my bicycle.
Promise to clean the kitchen.
Smoke pot.
Consistently not clean the kitchen.
Smoke pot.
Eat.
Pass out.

Don't be a lesbro

Apr 22, 2008
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The thing I love about watching ER on TNT's Primetime During the Daytime is that I get to experience all those Christmas episodes in April...and July...and September.... And December.

I'm afraid to say anything

Apr 6, 2008
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Suppose someone gets a little money every now and then, whether it's a regular paycheck or a gig or whatever. If the first thing that pops into that person's head to buy with that money is X and X is not either food or bills, even though he or she really ought to spend the money on one or both of those two things, don't we say that person "has a problem with X"?

So full of food

Mar 22, 2008
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Things people do that I don't get:

Shaved head and a beard that starts at the ears.

Buying a fake Rolex.

I'm a dirty bastard

Mar 22, 2008
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Some words I soon hope to read:

Ben and Marissa ended their relationship.

I'll leave the why to you.

This is why I love you

Mar 13, 2008
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Dear Amazon,

I just bought an amazing book for less than five dollars (75¢ + shipping).

You ROCK.

<3
Coleman

RIP Inbox

Mar 6, 2008
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Today I managed to accidentally erase nearly three years' worth of email.

I'm not sure how to feel about this.

Dear my current employers

Feb 8, 2008
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Here's how I view the whole employer/employee relationship:

I need money, so I agree to be your employee. To me, that means that I will do whatever you want me to do (within reason) without question. Basically, while I'm on the clock, I'm your slave.

When I'm off the clock, however, I'm on my time, and on my time, I will not take out your trash, I will not wash your dishes, and I will not make a delivery you forgot about forty minutes after we've closed, when you only forgot because you were either smoking weed in the alley all night or racking up a forty-dollar tab at the bar next door.

If I weren't already planning to quit in May, I would call the health department and OSHA all over your asses. As it is, I don't think it's worth the trouble.

But I will never eat your food again, and I endeavor to ruin your business by telling as many people as I can about how shitty your place is.

You're all fucking losers,

Coleman

Open letters to various institutions

Feb 5, 2008
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Dear the bank,

I put $400 in you yesterday. Why is my balance negative?

Seriously,

Cole

Dear my program design class,

It's the third week of school and we haven't written a line of code. Can we please stop making lists and start writing programs already?

Seriously,

Cole

Dear my operating systems class,

Why are you so hard? Why am I so behind? How come it's week three and we're already supposed to have read five chapters?

Seriously,

Cole

Dear my week,

Can you please magically arrange yourself in such a way that I can get everything done and NOT spend every waking moment stressing about school/the trumpet/?

Seriously,

Cole